i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
