12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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