grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
