I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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