he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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