So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Randomize
