The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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