Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
