I got chris browned last night
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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