my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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