as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
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