My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Randomize
