I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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