That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
