my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Randomize
