it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize