I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
