would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
