I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
