..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
