now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
