I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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