I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
The air was thick with penises
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
