Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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