Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
