Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
