Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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