You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
