Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
