she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Randomize