my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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