im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
