u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
