Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
