two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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