I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
