I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
