Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
