hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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