turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
