I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
