she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
