she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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