I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
You pole danced in your parka.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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