maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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