I puked a lego.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Never let your siblings swipe right.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize