Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
