Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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