There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
