You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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