alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
We have so much sex to catch up on
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
