im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Randomize
