This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Randomize
