If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
it's not cheating when I paid for it
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
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