What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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