remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
