im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
