how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
