I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
