Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize