She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Randomize
