i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
