I swear she didn't look like that last week.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
